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So here I am: decision day. and even though I technically have until Thursday to let PC know if I accept this invitation to go to Azerbaijan for 27 months leaving in September-I just know there won't be much time to really think during the week.
I'm not sure if it's the heat, exhaustion from lack of sleep or this feeling in my stomach that I have to decide 2 years of my life right now-but I'm feeling kind of nauseous.
I've done more research than I think anyone else could every probably do. My head spins when I think about it more right now. What else I could read and learn about in Azerbaijan (a country I didn’t even know existed until a week ago)? But for my own piece of mind today I'm trying to get some clarity and figure out what's right for me, right now, if this is really what I want, if this is something I can handle and try to remember why I wanted to do this is in the first place.
So I'm going back to basics and literally asking myself these questions. They say writing things out sometimes really helps and if it helps get some of the stuff in my head out that’s exactly what I'll do.
1) Why did I even consider the Peace Corps?
Having grown up in New Jersey and not ventured very much north or south my entire life being offered an opportunity to travel to China for 15 days in 2006 wasn't even something I really considered. Until my father made me realize what a great experience it could have been. China was and is an emerging country that is booming with power. I had the chance to travel with other fellow students and meet with diplomats. After some consideration I decided to go for it. While I hadn't even really been interested in China or seeing the country for itself it did open my eyes to much more of the world. Their culture is the polar opposite of ours. And seeing how they lived just made me look more closely at how we Americans live. It fascinated me to see both sides. After those 15 days I probably would never be the same. Not just the culture and the excitement of seeing this country, not just the people I met and laughed with endlessly while there, but I learned to like myself again. I let go of things while I was there. I got back to being silly and spending time with guys, going with the flow and just absorbing it all. In some ways I had to go across the world for a few days just to get some of myself back.
Ever since seeing another country firsthand I've found I'm must more interested in what other countries are like-their government style, how they operate, etc. I pay more attention to the political unrest in these other countries because I've been allowed to see some of these things happen. And it’s a damn shame. I’ve found I want to be a part of what brings us together in this world. I want to get away from what breaks us apart.
2) What do I hope to gain from spending 2 years of service and 3 months of training in Azerbaijan?
Like I said before, initially I had no idea how to even pronounce Azerbaijan so the thrill of seeing that country on my letter was not exactly the same as say Fiji or Dominican Republic. But then I realize that I didn't apply to the PC because I wanted to go somewhere exciting or exotic (I could just take what money I've saved and go off for a few months.) I applied because I wanted to do some good somewhere. And during my interview I told them that I'd be willing to go where they needed the help and where they best thought I could serve. So this is my placement. This is obviously a country in need of volunteer help and learning English to further their society/economy. Through the years of service I hope to gain just a few things. The first is most important to me: knowing that I'm helping the others that I'm teaching/serving. If I can achieve that and only that during my service then I've done exactly what was needed. The second most important thing I hope to gain would be to learn about myself, grow stronger, wiser perhaps and just broaden my views of the world. I can't help but think if I should remain for the whole service how this second goal wouldn't be a given. The culture is vastly different than U.S. and I would be giving up a lot. Hopefully within that I'd get back some of myself that I've been missing recently and just see the world differently. Another thing I'd hope to gain (well actually more realize) while serving is whether or not this type of work is the right career path for me. For some time now I've know that working in sales is not for me. I'm glad I at least know that and have learned that now. It's easier to narrow things down sometimes by what you DONT want to be doing that by searching through everything you could do. Someone important to me once said to follow your passion. Because if you're doing what your passionate about everyday as a career it doesn't feel like work. Life's too short not to enjoy your work. And money isn't as important enough to me if I don’t care about what I'm doing. I've found that I'm most passionate about knowing that in some way I'm helping contribute to humankind. Whatever way I can--whatever skills I have, I want to use them to give back to this world. I really think we're all a waste of space if we're not trying to do some good in one way or another. So hopefully, coming out of the PC I will know what I want to be doing (or closer to it) and have found a better connection to help me reach that goal. One of the most notable things I've learn through research is that PC has a great network of job opportunities for returned volunteers and you have the advantage of non-competition for governmental jobs.
3) What will be the struggles in serving and can I handle them?
The first part of this question is quite easy to answer; the second part I won't truly know until I'm there. There is some blindness in every decision we make as humans. And the more I grow up the more I see how much life is a gamble. We take risks: we gain sometimes and we lose. You choose a college and think you'll love it-until you're there and you hate it. Those college tours, student chats and pictures can only tell you so much--none of it will be like how it is when you actually live there, with other students in the environment and are on your own. The same thing with dating I suppose. People put on a great front and sell themselves to be a certain way, but only in time do you see all sides including the flaws, when you choose to accept them or not. It's a scary thing this life we have. If we were to protect ourselves from the outside so that nothing and no one could ever hurt us--sure we might be safer. But we'd be bored! And have nothing to talk about to anyone (if anyone ever came to see us, which I’m not so sure they would because we'd be pasty and overweight and boring.)
So the struggles I'm sure I'll encounter:
• Being away from home for so long (all the people and familiar things.)
• The food (particularly whole foods and special baked goods.)
• Entertainment (whatever good TV shows/reruns are left on TV, movies, new music, current events.)
• Consistently running electricity and water (I've heard that these aren't the most reliable)
• and thus taking a hot shower.
• Language is a big one here too. It will probably take quite a few months to begin to feel somewhat competent in speaking, let a lone teaching others.
• Loneliness seems to be something other volunteers mention often, so they keep busy with learning new skills, and visiting others.
I’m sure there are other challenges that I'd face once in country (these are the few that I've gathered through research already conducted and to what other volunteers have said.)
Can I handle these struggles? I think the human body and mind have the ability to achieve tremendous things in certain times. If we want to make things happen they will. I expect my mind to challenge certain things I come across during my service, to fight with resistance to things I see or am asked to do. I can guarantee myself I’ll be frustrated with lack of something, (progress, materials, people minds…) but I can guarantee I’ll find some of those things here. And if I can come through all of it every PCV I’ve spoken too says that the good days truly outweigh the bad. This was taken from an email from a PCV currently teaching English in Morocco:
"Being in the PC is like being in the mind of some giant bi-polar organism with many different components. You certainly heard correctly about the stressful and dark times, and frustration and the feeling of being unproductive is forever present to some extent. However, the high that you get from getting past these obstacles, in my opinion, is completely worth it. However, this escalation of moods doesn’t have any order- one day you can feel the happiest you have ever been, and the next the lowest. As long as you are able see the big picture and constantly see that the benefits outweigh the costs than you'll be ok. I do feel like the rewards I have gotten out of my work here thus far have been worth all the stress/frustrations/obstacles I have encountered, and am finding that the longer I am here, my comfort level goes up, and thus rough times go down." –Chris Blackwood
This takes me back to what I’ve like to gain. To grow as a person and if I can test myself for missing certain things and see that I can handle it, I should hope to be a person through it all. I guess I want to test myself to see how strong I am, how passionate I am about this cause, and just to immerse myself in another culture. PC stresses having volunteers live like local citizens because we’re becoming a part of their country and showing ways to improve themselves not with American ways and standards, but with their own ways. Seeing their skills and showing them how best to use them. Not coming in and saying “this is a better way to do it.” We can only truly be on their same level when we live like them as well and this will mean giving up American luxuries. One of my friends said to me when I told her about my invitation “It’s not like anything here is going anywhere. New York will still be here when you get back.” And she’s right. So I might not have running water and a plumbing toilet for a little while—there are millions of people who have never had that and never will. We should all be so fortunate.
Another great thing about the PC is that you learn things about yourself that you would probably never learn in any other situation. For example, since being here I've started writing a book (something I would never do in the states), become a much better guitar player, and have learned to speak, read, and write Arabic. I could not imagine a better environment for self-discovery.
Self-discovery is exactly what I need right now. There’s no doubt that I’ve lost part of myself surviving this past year. And even though I won’t ever be fully whole again, I need to get back some of myself. I don’t laugh as much, I’m too hard on myself and I think through the PC I can learn to let things go more easily, see the bigger picture and learn to laugh at myself. Through the two biggest traumatic events in my life they have both taught me 2 different but vital things. The first event taught me that life is too short so we should be doing what we want to be doing with ourselves and finding ways to make the world better. The second event just strengthened this feeling. Do what you can. Be with the people you love. Try to make others smile because that’s the greatest reward you can always hope to get. I know that if I can survive both of these events I can survive anything. They’ve hurt and broken me in various ways. But the first one I did come out stronger and better for it. I’m still healing the second one but I think doing the PC will help further along my recovery towards finding myself again.
Along with all of my research I’ve done some reading of past volunteers in the “five minutes with…” section of the PC website. Again, their experiences were different than mine would be but I really liked their answers when it came to the overall PC goal and their advice for future volunteers.
What advice do you have for someone who's thinking about joining the Peace Corps?
" Don't stress about what to take and get worried about that. You can find clothes and other necessities of life in-country. Also, don't try to figure out what the experience is going to be like or worry about it because everyone has a really different experience. Keep an open mind and always keep in sight why you want to be in the Peace Corps. The first couple weeks of training and the first couple months at your site can be difficult because you're getting used to a new culture. Keep going because it's a really amazing experience. It will be hard, but it will also be the kind of thing that changes your life." -Kara Garber. Burkina 2001-2003
"Serving in Peace Corps will leave you more well rounded, less judgmental, and with one more skill you never thought you would have time to learn." -Jan Le, Peru, 2002-2003
"Peace Corps has also given me a sense of confidence. If I can learn a language, gain the respect of village as an outsider, build something together against many odds and accomplish it, there is no reason I can't do the same anywhere else. Don't go into the Peace Corps thinking you'll change the world. Join instead to show a good face of Americans and to serve your country and your community peacefully." –Tifany Frazier, El Salvador, 2002-2003
So yes, I’m scared. Didn’t I say I was quite nauseous earlier? I’ve had sleepless nights because my mind does all this questioning and imagining that’s pretty pointless at this point. But underneath all my fears I can’t help but ask myself. Why not? What is holding me back? I’ve been giving an incredible opportunity and if I say no now, I just KNOW myself well enough to know I will always look back and wonder what it would have been like. This is the right time in my life, my career, just now. So yes I’m scared shitless. And probably will be for a full few months. I’ll be scared leaving and scared getting on the plane. I’ll be missing my family and the holidays, the food, the comfort of my own bed. But if I stay because I’m scared? That’s even worse. I wouldn’t grow unless I stretch myself. I wouldn’t gain anything else I took this risk. So if it’s not what I thought it would be (and at this point I don’t even know what I thought it would be..) ? then that’s okay. It’s a movement. It’s a step. I’m asking a lot of myself (and my family.) but at least it’s pushing myself to see what I want to take out of this life. I started this application for a reason. I got numerous tests over and over and I’ve questioned myself and the process through the past 8 months. But I pasted the tests for a reason. I got the invitation for a reason. I’ve gone back and forth asking myself over and over every question I could possibly consider. Is this right? Am I crazy? Could I handle it? Am I sure? And the answers are: I don’t know, No, Yes, Yes.
And there you have it.
I'm not sure if it's the heat, exhaustion from lack of sleep or this feeling in my stomach that I have to decide 2 years of my life right now-but I'm feeling kind of nauseous.
I've done more research than I think anyone else could every probably do. My head spins when I think about it more right now. What else I could read and learn about in Azerbaijan (a country I didn’t even know existed until a week ago)? But for my own piece of mind today I'm trying to get some clarity and figure out what's right for me, right now, if this is really what I want, if this is something I can handle and try to remember why I wanted to do this is in the first place.
So I'm going back to basics and literally asking myself these questions. They say writing things out sometimes really helps and if it helps get some of the stuff in my head out that’s exactly what I'll do.
1) Why did I even consider the Peace Corps?
Having grown up in New Jersey and not ventured very much north or south my entire life being offered an opportunity to travel to China for 15 days in 2006 wasn't even something I really considered. Until my father made me realize what a great experience it could have been. China was and is an emerging country that is booming with power. I had the chance to travel with other fellow students and meet with diplomats. After some consideration I decided to go for it. While I hadn't even really been interested in China or seeing the country for itself it did open my eyes to much more of the world. Their culture is the polar opposite of ours. And seeing how they lived just made me look more closely at how we Americans live. It fascinated me to see both sides. After those 15 days I probably would never be the same. Not just the culture and the excitement of seeing this country, not just the people I met and laughed with endlessly while there, but I learned to like myself again. I let go of things while I was there. I got back to being silly and spending time with guys, going with the flow and just absorbing it all. In some ways I had to go across the world for a few days just to get some of myself back.
Ever since seeing another country firsthand I've found I'm must more interested in what other countries are like-their government style, how they operate, etc. I pay more attention to the political unrest in these other countries because I've been allowed to see some of these things happen. And it’s a damn shame. I’ve found I want to be a part of what brings us together in this world. I want to get away from what breaks us apart.
2) What do I hope to gain from spending 2 years of service and 3 months of training in Azerbaijan?
Like I said before, initially I had no idea how to even pronounce Azerbaijan so the thrill of seeing that country on my letter was not exactly the same as say Fiji or Dominican Republic. But then I realize that I didn't apply to the PC because I wanted to go somewhere exciting or exotic (I could just take what money I've saved and go off for a few months.) I applied because I wanted to do some good somewhere. And during my interview I told them that I'd be willing to go where they needed the help and where they best thought I could serve. So this is my placement. This is obviously a country in need of volunteer help and learning English to further their society/economy. Through the years of service I hope to gain just a few things. The first is most important to me: knowing that I'm helping the others that I'm teaching/serving. If I can achieve that and only that during my service then I've done exactly what was needed. The second most important thing I hope to gain would be to learn about myself, grow stronger, wiser perhaps and just broaden my views of the world. I can't help but think if I should remain for the whole service how this second goal wouldn't be a given. The culture is vastly different than U.S. and I would be giving up a lot. Hopefully within that I'd get back some of myself that I've been missing recently and just see the world differently. Another thing I'd hope to gain (well actually more realize) while serving is whether or not this type of work is the right career path for me. For some time now I've know that working in sales is not for me. I'm glad I at least know that and have learned that now. It's easier to narrow things down sometimes by what you DONT want to be doing that by searching through everything you could do. Someone important to me once said to follow your passion. Because if you're doing what your passionate about everyday as a career it doesn't feel like work. Life's too short not to enjoy your work. And money isn't as important enough to me if I don’t care about what I'm doing. I've found that I'm most passionate about knowing that in some way I'm helping contribute to humankind. Whatever way I can--whatever skills I have, I want to use them to give back to this world. I really think we're all a waste of space if we're not trying to do some good in one way or another. So hopefully, coming out of the PC I will know what I want to be doing (or closer to it) and have found a better connection to help me reach that goal. One of the most notable things I've learn through research is that PC has a great network of job opportunities for returned volunteers and you have the advantage of non-competition for governmental jobs.
3) What will be the struggles in serving and can I handle them?
The first part of this question is quite easy to answer; the second part I won't truly know until I'm there. There is some blindness in every decision we make as humans. And the more I grow up the more I see how much life is a gamble. We take risks: we gain sometimes and we lose. You choose a college and think you'll love it-until you're there and you hate it. Those college tours, student chats and pictures can only tell you so much--none of it will be like how it is when you actually live there, with other students in the environment and are on your own. The same thing with dating I suppose. People put on a great front and sell themselves to be a certain way, but only in time do you see all sides including the flaws, when you choose to accept them or not. It's a scary thing this life we have. If we were to protect ourselves from the outside so that nothing and no one could ever hurt us--sure we might be safer. But we'd be bored! And have nothing to talk about to anyone (if anyone ever came to see us, which I’m not so sure they would because we'd be pasty and overweight and boring.)
So the struggles I'm sure I'll encounter:
• Being away from home for so long (all the people and familiar things.)
• The food (particularly whole foods and special baked goods.)
• Entertainment (whatever good TV shows/reruns are left on TV, movies, new music, current events.)
• Consistently running electricity and water (I've heard that these aren't the most reliable)
• and thus taking a hot shower.
• Language is a big one here too. It will probably take quite a few months to begin to feel somewhat competent in speaking, let a lone teaching others.
• Loneliness seems to be something other volunteers mention often, so they keep busy with learning new skills, and visiting others.
I’m sure there are other challenges that I'd face once in country (these are the few that I've gathered through research already conducted and to what other volunteers have said.)
Can I handle these struggles? I think the human body and mind have the ability to achieve tremendous things in certain times. If we want to make things happen they will. I expect my mind to challenge certain things I come across during my service, to fight with resistance to things I see or am asked to do. I can guarantee myself I’ll be frustrated with lack of something, (progress, materials, people minds…) but I can guarantee I’ll find some of those things here. And if I can come through all of it every PCV I’ve spoken too says that the good days truly outweigh the bad. This was taken from an email from a PCV currently teaching English in Morocco:
"Being in the PC is like being in the mind of some giant bi-polar organism with many different components. You certainly heard correctly about the stressful and dark times, and frustration and the feeling of being unproductive is forever present to some extent. However, the high that you get from getting past these obstacles, in my opinion, is completely worth it. However, this escalation of moods doesn’t have any order- one day you can feel the happiest you have ever been, and the next the lowest. As long as you are able see the big picture and constantly see that the benefits outweigh the costs than you'll be ok. I do feel like the rewards I have gotten out of my work here thus far have been worth all the stress/frustrations/obstacles I have encountered, and am finding that the longer I am here, my comfort level goes up, and thus rough times go down." –Chris Blackwood
This takes me back to what I’ve like to gain. To grow as a person and if I can test myself for missing certain things and see that I can handle it, I should hope to be a person through it all. I guess I want to test myself to see how strong I am, how passionate I am about this cause, and just to immerse myself in another culture. PC stresses having volunteers live like local citizens because we’re becoming a part of their country and showing ways to improve themselves not with American ways and standards, but with their own ways. Seeing their skills and showing them how best to use them. Not coming in and saying “this is a better way to do it.” We can only truly be on their same level when we live like them as well and this will mean giving up American luxuries. One of my friends said to me when I told her about my invitation “It’s not like anything here is going anywhere. New York will still be here when you get back.” And she’s right. So I might not have running water and a plumbing toilet for a little while—there are millions of people who have never had that and never will. We should all be so fortunate.
Another great thing about the PC is that you learn things about yourself that you would probably never learn in any other situation. For example, since being here I've started writing a book (something I would never do in the states), become a much better guitar player, and have learned to speak, read, and write Arabic. I could not imagine a better environment for self-discovery.
Self-discovery is exactly what I need right now. There’s no doubt that I’ve lost part of myself surviving this past year. And even though I won’t ever be fully whole again, I need to get back some of myself. I don’t laugh as much, I’m too hard on myself and I think through the PC I can learn to let things go more easily, see the bigger picture and learn to laugh at myself. Through the two biggest traumatic events in my life they have both taught me 2 different but vital things. The first event taught me that life is too short so we should be doing what we want to be doing with ourselves and finding ways to make the world better. The second event just strengthened this feeling. Do what you can. Be with the people you love. Try to make others smile because that’s the greatest reward you can always hope to get. I know that if I can survive both of these events I can survive anything. They’ve hurt and broken me in various ways. But the first one I did come out stronger and better for it. I’m still healing the second one but I think doing the PC will help further along my recovery towards finding myself again.
Along with all of my research I’ve done some reading of past volunteers in the “five minutes with…” section of the PC website. Again, their experiences were different than mine would be but I really liked their answers when it came to the overall PC goal and their advice for future volunteers.
What advice do you have for someone who's thinking about joining the Peace Corps?
" Don't stress about what to take and get worried about that. You can find clothes and other necessities of life in-country. Also, don't try to figure out what the experience is going to be like or worry about it because everyone has a really different experience. Keep an open mind and always keep in sight why you want to be in the Peace Corps. The first couple weeks of training and the first couple months at your site can be difficult because you're getting used to a new culture. Keep going because it's a really amazing experience. It will be hard, but it will also be the kind of thing that changes your life." -Kara Garber. Burkina 2001-2003
"Serving in Peace Corps will leave you more well rounded, less judgmental, and with one more skill you never thought you would have time to learn." -Jan Le, Peru, 2002-2003
"Peace Corps has also given me a sense of confidence. If I can learn a language, gain the respect of village as an outsider, build something together against many odds and accomplish it, there is no reason I can't do the same anywhere else. Don't go into the Peace Corps thinking you'll change the world. Join instead to show a good face of Americans and to serve your country and your community peacefully." –Tifany Frazier, El Salvador, 2002-2003
So yes, I’m scared. Didn’t I say I was quite nauseous earlier? I’ve had sleepless nights because my mind does all this questioning and imagining that’s pretty pointless at this point. But underneath all my fears I can’t help but ask myself. Why not? What is holding me back? I’ve been giving an incredible opportunity and if I say no now, I just KNOW myself well enough to know I will always look back and wonder what it would have been like. This is the right time in my life, my career, just now. So yes I’m scared shitless. And probably will be for a full few months. I’ll be scared leaving and scared getting on the plane. I’ll be missing my family and the holidays, the food, the comfort of my own bed. But if I stay because I’m scared? That’s even worse. I wouldn’t grow unless I stretch myself. I wouldn’t gain anything else I took this risk. So if it’s not what I thought it would be (and at this point I don’t even know what I thought it would be..) ? then that’s okay. It’s a movement. It’s a step. I’m asking a lot of myself (and my family.) but at least it’s pushing myself to see what I want to take out of this life. I started this application for a reason. I got numerous tests over and over and I’ve questioned myself and the process through the past 8 months. But I pasted the tests for a reason. I got the invitation for a reason. I’ve gone back and forth asking myself over and over every question I could possibly consider. Is this right? Am I crazy? Could I handle it? Am I sure? And the answers are: I don’t know, No, Yes, Yes.
And there you have it.
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curious
hopeful